Sunday, November 6, 2011


#1 The App Addict
With seemingly millions of apps on Facebook , this person not only wants them all for themselves, but feels the need to recommend them to you every time they find a new one.   The Application Addict  usually doubles as Cell Phone Message Forwarder and is a descendant of the Email Forwarder.  And like the Email Forwarder they are completely clueless to the fact that you have no interest in the cutesy nonsense they send you.  How many times have you seen this: 
Ashley has sent you an Elementary School Wedgies request.  Do you accept?

#2 The Friend Bandit
This person has not found the level of fame they crave in the "real world" and is determined to satisfy their thirst for stardom over the web.  The Friend Bandit is the original Facebook harlot.  You've taken lots of time to cultivate and weed out your list of personal acquaintances, and this offender sees nothing sacred in that.  Once you add this person to your friend's list, they'll crawl through your profile and solicit friendships from each and every one of your childhood friends, classmates and exes.  The only thing that matters to this person is that number to the left of "friends" on their profile. It's strictly quantity over quality with this person.

How many times have you seen this:
Anonymous guy with 1 friend in common just sent you a friend request. Wanna risk it?

#3 The Advice Addict
This person is completely uncomfortable with making decisions on their own.  Regardless of the reason, they're always seeking counsel for the most trivial situations.  They may try to make it seem like they're just trying to make their little corner of Facebook interactive, but I can see right through it.  It's a wonder how they managed to stumble onto the internet in the first place.
  Even I'm guilty of asking in a status if I should order the Kobe beef or catfish. 

How many times have you seen this:
Do you think it will be okay to have two starches with my dinner?

#4 The Sympathy Seeker

This is the person that always needs a hug.  Nothing ever goes right for the Sympathy Seeker and if it ever does, you'll never hear about it.  This person posts pity statuses that prompts all of their friends to baby them.  This attention harlot  usually isn't as down and out as they pretend to be in person, but has learned that he/she can get special privileges and better treatment by appealing to people's pity.  
This friend will cry and moan until it brings you down and has you looking at the world through their sad eyes.
How many times have you seen this:
I'll never find true love.

#5 The Angry Updater

These people get a kick out of drama.  They like to incite e-riots mainly because it's not real life.  More than likely they've had to commit internet suicide on other sites, only to come right back and  beef with new people.   They hate everything and everything makes them mad.  Whether it's the traffic, their job, their boss, co-workers or their neighbors, they stay vexed and we get a front row seat to vexfest.  

How many times have you seen this:
If you got something to say about me, don't just put it in a status.  Confront me like a real woman.  I guess you can't because you're too fat and your man wants me.

There you have it folks. Staying away from these five deadly venoms will make your Facebook reality more palatable. Now go have some fun.